Stupid…

A guy came home from work, in his bedroom he finds a stranger in bed with his wife. He said, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "Haven’t I told you how stupid he is?"

Am I a Weather Man...

A husband and wife were asleep, suddenly the phone rang. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say hello, someone talked from the other end and the husband said, "How could I know, am I a weather man?" And slams the phone down. His wife asks, "Who was that?" The husband replied, "I don't know, it was some idiot who wanted to know if the coast is clear."

Death with pain…

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and offered them to try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much to bear, he should let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more pain. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

Kick the Cat…

A boy was playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. When he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's this?" he asks. His mom said "You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The boy said to mom "Do you want me to tell him or should you tell him that no pussy for him?"

Condom in Home…

Three Sardars were gossiping in a bar. The first said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she brought home a washer and dryer, and we haven't even got electricity!" The second said "My wife is stupider than yours, yesterday she brought home a dishwasher, and we haven't even got running water!"
The third said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of condoms lying there... and she hasn't even got a dick!"

Before Sex…

The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the main act. The man decided he should try it. All day he was thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered a passage, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. He undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick jerk at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Strongest But Useless Viagra…

This older guy went to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asked for a large dose of the strongest variety. The doctor asked why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy came back to the doctor for pain killers. The doctor asked 'why, is your dick in that much pain?' 'no', said the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

lucky Mustache…

One winter, two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Goa to escape the cold of Himalaya. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little arms and legs. Just then, the second flea arrived shivering and a shaking. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"  To which the second replied, "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very cold!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to getting here, first go to the airport, go to the ladies commode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where it’s nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a great idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little arms and legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again shivering, shaking, and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies commode and a pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

15 inches…

An innocent new bride went to her doctor for checkup. She asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband’s legs?"
The doctor replied "That’s the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish thing on the end of penis?"
The doctor replied "That’s the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replied "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

Beauty with Brain...

A woman and a man’s cars got involved in an accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished but surprisingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman said, "You're a man. I'm a woman. That's interesting. Just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our life."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good luck."
She hands the bottle to the man, the man opens it and drinks half the bottle and hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

How I look…

A woman has bed wetting problem, she went to the doctor. The doctor tells her to get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor went into the room he tells the woman to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor went over to the woman and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the woman to put her clothes back on.

The woman puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He told her that she needs to quit drinking before goes to bed. The woman asked the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replied, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

Me and You…

One summer a farmer in US hired student to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Since you have done a fine job here, so I am going to throw a party for you." The student says, "OK, thanks a lot man." The farmer says, "Better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lots of drinking going on." Student "I can drink just as much as anyone else." Farmer "There also would be a lot of fighting so I hope you are ready." Student "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lots of sex?" Student "Good. I have been here all summer and I am dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."

A Deal of Happiness for one…

A man speaks to the bar owner. "I bet you 5000 Rs. that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bar owner looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ok buddy. You got a deal." So the man walked over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss went everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bar owner, but not a drop landed in the cup. The man walked back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." The man paid him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bar owner asks, "You just lost 5000 Rs., why are you laughing?" The man turns around and said, "You see that man over there. I bet him 100000 Rs. that I could piss all over your bar and you and you would be happy and laugh about it!"

Notes or change:

A woman went to a gynecologist but wouldn't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just says she must see the doctor. After hours of waiting, the doctor sees her in. Doctor asked Ok, what is the problem. Well, she said, “my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor said, “Don't be nervous, this happen all the time. He asked her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with legs wide open, he puts his gloves on and says, “I only have one question. What am I looking for? Notes or loose change?”

My Wife…

A guy walks into a ladies bar and orders 2 quarters of old monk rum. The bar girl asked, "What happened," the guy replied, “I just found out that my younger son is gay. The bar girl says, "Oh, I am sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 3 quarters of old monk rum. The same bar girl asked, "What happened now," The guy responds, “I found out that my older son is gay, too.” The bar girl says, “Oh I am sorry.” The guy returned a few days later and ordered 4 quarters of old monk rum. The bar girl burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family getting any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

Winding My…

One day, a city chap was ride a camel in Rajasthan area, and found a villager lying on the ground with his pennies sticking out of his dhoti! The city chap gets off his camel and asks, "What are you doing?" The villager replies, "Seeing time! Penis acts as sundial." The city chap in disbelief challenges, "Ok, what time is it?" The villager looks down and says "3.35..." "Unbelievable, you’re right!" the city chap says in bewilderment. Riding further, he sees the same thing, and asks time. The villager looks down and says "4.40". The city chap was shocked, the time was right again! After riding a while again, he sees another villager on the ground, except he was jerking off. The city chap asks, "And what are you doing?" to which the villager replies, "Me winding my watch."

Butt swapping

Three friends went in a dance bar. First friend licks a 100 rupees note and slaps it on one side of her butt. Second friend also, licks a 100 rupees note and slaps it on the other side of her butt. Third friend takes out a credit card, swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 rupees.